If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
