I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
