my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
