Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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