there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
