quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
