My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
