I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
