i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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