he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
