A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
