sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
