just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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