Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize