apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
