Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize