I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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