Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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