We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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