Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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