Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
