2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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