I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
In other news, I just burned my penis
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
