apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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