Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
