how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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