Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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