is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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