I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize