i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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