Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
