Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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