I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
