our cab driver is having phone sex.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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