i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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