im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
