I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
