My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
