it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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