I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
