i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize