I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He did a backflip because drugs
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
