I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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