That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
