My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
