Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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