I have demons in me.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
