Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
