I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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