Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
