Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You pole danced in your parka.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
