Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
