Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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