One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
