I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
