my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
