Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
