Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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