i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
if only i could text you this smell
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
