someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
