Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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