I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
