thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
