I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
