Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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