3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
